Wednesday, July 21, 2010

The dark side of being Mom

Life can sneak up on you and explode sometimes. A phone call, a knock on the door, letter... something happens and the ball drops and that moment of bliss pauses and you wonder is this really happening?

Sometimes you wake up and wonder how did we get here?

My baby brother is a heroin addict. This amazingly smart young man has spent the better part of the last five spiraling out of control has he fell deeper into his own demons. 8 months ago our family figured it out and we got him help. My parents found the best rehab money could buy, shipped him off and my mother traveled 7 hours each way weekly to attend family therapy.

She was his angel, she was his mother. She stopped her life and focused on him. The family banned together and rallied him on. We knew he could do it; he was too smart to loose his life to his addictions.

We were wrong, his first month with any freedom, with any hope of responsibility he found himself right back to where he started. I can't wrap my brain around his addictions, its beyond me. I kills me to think that my little love is loosing his uncle to this illness. That we, as a family, are being robbed of his presence because of drugs.

I watch my baby run around and wonder what will our struggles be. Will I have to stand by and watch him ruin his life? Will I be able to do it, will it kill me? You are a parent the rest of your life and sometimes your children choose a path you cannot join them on. Its scary sometimes to realize that our babes will grow and have a path to live and all we can do is hope and pray that their life is the one we dreamed for them. No mother dreams of the bad. Tonight lets say a prayer for the mother's that loved their kids through the real bad and in the end still lost.


Anonymous said...

I think about this a lot. I think about what if no matter how good of a mom I am, or how much we do, or how much we save for him to go to college, what if? What if his life heads down some dark road? It's scary, and the thing I hold on to is that nothing could ever make me love him less. EVER.
A good friend of mine once told me "just because someone doesn't love you the way you want them to, doesn't mean they don't love you". Our children may not always be who we hoped they would be, but it isn't bc they don't love us. And it's our job to see them through it all.

~*Jess*~ said...

Oh honey. I'm so sad. That's horrible and it must be heartbreaking to watch your brother ruin his life. Mine was going down a bad path and luckily at the age of 17 (my mom signed off) he went off to the Marines. Thank God. He's grown up and gotten more mature, because otherwise, who knows where he would have been.

Just keep supporting him, and your mom and I pray he comes through this.

What's scary for us as parents is all of the what ifs. I am scared to death I'll get cancer too and Ava will have to go through what I've been through. I'm scared she'll get hurt, I'm scared of so many things. But we will do our damndest to keep her safe and I don't know what more we can do.

Nic said...

Sigh. I'm so sorry for your family, sorry for your mother. I can't imagine the hopelessness of not being able to snap your fingers and make your child better.

My old roomate's brother was killed in Afghanistan over the weekend and I was having those same thoughts yesterday... looking at my son and praying that he will always be safe, that he will make the right decisions in his life. It's scary.

I wish your brother the best, I hope he is able to beat the addiction.

cathy said...

LA- I am sooooo sorry! I had no idea. God bless your whole family. I will keep you all in my prayers. The Lord works miracles every day- do not lose hope!