Baby Mine

Drifting off to sleep I heard the first rustle and whimper escape from the nursery. Sleepily I stumbled to his side to find a pitiful sight. A wet diaper, excessive amount of spit up and a very snotty face met my eyes as my youngest cried out for me. I scooped him up and tried to comfort him as best I could while cleaning him  up. Once he was dry and changed with a recently cleaned out nose, I tried to get him back to sleep.  Finally he calms enough for me to lay him back into his bed and no sooner than I tipped toed out of the room did he rustle and cry out for me again. As I reached back down to pat his back, he grabbed my finger and held on tight. His fever filled cheeks glistened back at me and I knew that it was about to be a long night.

All night I paced the living room as he drifted in out of a restless sleep. Every so often I curled up on the couch and dosed off for a few minutes here and there. But I would be awakened by pained cries and we would start walking again.

Pat, pat, hum, hum, pace, pace.

With only the glow of a night light and the faint shadow of the moon through the sky light we walked through the night. Motherhood brings out the very best in you. With nothing but compassion and love,  I walked and prayed that he would get some relief. I watched him drift to sleep and startle awake in pain. No amount of exhaustion would stop me from walking. Around 5am we both passed out on the couch only to be awakened by slightly larger feet an hour later asking for milk and Mikey.

It is crazy how things have changed through the years. I live a simple life now yet I see immense beauty in it. Today I am seeing just how much sleep depravation I can stand and yet I wouldn't trade it for the world. My child needed me. But the reality is I needed him just as much.

The before and afters

The Kitchen Before and After. 

We are still on the hunt for the perfect bar stools and decorating but here is the final product so far. 

Please excuse the camera phone pics but while the house was in disarray I misplaced our camera. 

I know how could I do that, I am so upset. I can't wait to find it. 

Transitions

At this point I have transitioned from new mom to just mom to mom of two. And with this latest transition I have realized something...I am a much better mother to two kids than I ever was to one. Now let me say nothing pissed me off more than being told that you weren't really a parent until you had more than one kid. That thought process is rude and categorically untrue. But, for me and my journey through motherhood, I have discovered that Jack is getting a way better parent. And by default so is EJ.
I was fairly relaxed mom with EJ. I was not one of those hyperactive new moms that fretted over every little thing but I was lacking in confidence. I was wading through unfamiliar waters and with everyone's willingness to share their opinions with me all the time I was left totality insecure about my decisions. I wondered way more than I ever should and poor EJ got a momma who was a tid bit stressed out.
I took a hard look at myself the other day and I realized that I am so much more relaxed and gosh darn it I am confident. These boys are mine and I know what is best for them. I know that Jack may be just shy of six months but this little guy needs lots of sleep and that means to bed he heads at 6:30pm. Yes, that is early and all the books say another feeding should happen but for him I know its what is best. He, also, has the driest skin in the world so bath time is limited to twice a week. I know that EJ has to have structure or he goes insane and days that aren't structured well tend to end in screaming from everyone. Its just little things that I know about my kids that no one, not even dad at times, know.
I can trust my instincts and let life happen. We have a schedule and most days its the way life goes but I also let things interrupt it because that is life and my kids need to learn to be flexible. I know that EJ throws huge temper tantrums and the best way to handle it to send him to his room immediately. Time outs and redirecting may be the thing to do now but for us does not work. I am ok with telling others that. I don't kept my difference in parenting styles to myself. I just do what works for us. And sometimes that all you can  do is just listen to gut and say a prayer it works.

Phase 2

Apparently I lost my mind. Two small kids and agreeing to do a Kitchen renovation is a not something a sane person agrees to, right? I'm not totally crazy its just a few quick fixes and the contractor promised a week. Which we all know in that really means two but I thought we could handle it. I might have been wrong. Good thing it looks AMAZING so I just focus on that. Because in reality we have stuff everywhere and the odor of paint even with windows open and fans going is a headache waiting to happen. But if you want a good laugh check out the state of my house at the moment.

Hopefully in a few days I can share the finished product! We did have pretty good timing because this weekend is Scotts Antique market. I fully intend on spending my entire Mothers Morning Out free time on Friday there looking for stuff to finish off the space!!!

Day one: half the granite comes off to build a proper breakfast bar and add beadboard. 

Meanwhile the rest of the house looks like this...

Yes, that is a coffee station set. We must start the day with coffee. I really am not even human until coffee happens. 

It also didn't occur to me that this also means no place to sit and eat. I thought I was so clever planing us a week of Crockpot meals. But I didn't really think ahead to where the meal would happen and lets just say a 2 year old and food at the coffee table is one  BIG MESS! 

What you don't line your floor with spices and cooking oils?

Yet another purpose for the bassinet house china. 

Day 2 & 3: Bring on the paint and headache.

It is already SO much brighter. 

I can not even explain to you how excited I am to have a legit eat in bar.

A new year

Another year has arrived, its almost like someone is hitting the fast forward button these days.
It feels like only yesterday I walked into a party blissfully unaware that my future husband was just steps away from me. In a matter of seconds the amateur night known as New Years Eve would morph into the  most pivotal day of my life. That first kiss was my last first kiss and thus begun our story.

It has been five years and we sure do have a lot to show for it. Numerous trips, concerts, hysterical moments, lots of good times and a few bad times but most importantly we have two beautiful boys. When I think towards the dreams I have for the new year I remind myself of the wise quote suggesting that we trip ourselves up with letting our dreams get in the way of loving our reality.

So for this new year I vow to learn to love each day. This life is the one I choose and it's my happily ever after. No specific goals in mind just continue to work on the daily job of strengthening our family. For Craig and I to continue to grow in love so that our foundation is firm. For patience as I learn every day how to better mother my boys and teach them to be good people. And for the ability to be able to see that I am at the end of my rope. I will not mommy martyr myself into an ugly place. I will let the house go some days, I will guiltlessly drop the boys off at school and I will teach myself that its ok to be someone other than a mother. I will never be the best mother and wife if I feel as though I am looking through a foggy window at a shadow of myself. And hopefully in 12 short months we will still see the same picture of a family just a little older with a bit more strength and a whole year full of happiness.

A photo dump

Because these photos are just too darn cute not to share...

Oh the eyes on my two boys. They make me swoon. 

I love this photo. So their personalities. EJ cutting up and Jack just chillin. 

I love how Jack is like "really Bro what are doing?"

He will hate me one day for taking this picture. Warning little boy if Momma doesn't approve of a girl you bring home rest assured this picture will be brought out in hopes that your too embarrassed to ever call her again.

He got a big boy hair cut it makes me sad. He looks so old and sort of like dennis the menace ironically he acts like him too! 

This little boy is soooo happy.all.the.time. Well unless he's hungry but who came blame him. 

He is also growing up way too fast! 

Bruno and EJ are trouble all the time and always together. Its rather adorable. 

See the face. DENNIS THE MENACE I tell ya. 

They love each other. 

Brothers. 

On Holidays

Oh how I love the holiday season. It is the only time in the year I am willing to tolerate cold weather. There is just something magical about pumpkins, fires and christmas trees. I have wonderful memories of childhood christmas pasts. One's filled with all my family, rooms full of people and laughter. Great times with cousins and siblings.

As I have moved past the childhood stage and into the adult stage of the holidays I see the stress. I see how easily the true meaning of the holidays can get lost in the shuffle. I have found myself trying to recreate the holidays of the past. I yearn to give my children similar memories. I so desperately want them to feel the love and magic that holidays can be. However, while cooking my first family thanksgiving this year it occurred to me that those are my memories, my childhood. The boys are making their own memories. These are the memories that they will hopefully look back on with love as the grow older and form families of their own.

We have worked hard to make our family our own. To set boundaries that works for us because this family that we made now is the most important. So as I go through this season and the years to come I am going to focus less on what I have always done and more on what is best for the boys. We may not have the family filled crazed celebrations but that does not mean that they won't be just as memorable. Hosting Thanksgiving was truly wonderful moment. There was no loading up the car and driving into the wee hours of the morning. No shuffling through luggage, and running from house to house. Both of us commented on how much we loved having everyone over. It was a perfect thanksgiving and I hope in the years to come their are many more just like it.